Hi. It's Willo. My human runs this website about keeping track of pet health stuff, which is fine, I guess, but nobody ever asks me for MY expertise, and I happen to be extremely credentialed in the field of being a lap dog. So today I'm taking over.
Here is everything I know.
The morning routine, which is not negotiable
Mornings start the moment I decide they start, which is usually several minutes before my human's alarm, because I have Information they need — namely, that it is morning, and I am hungry, and both of these facts are urgent. Breakfast happens. Then there is a brief outdoor perimeter check, which I take very seriously, because you never know.
On the subject of the mail carrier
I would like to state, for the record, that I do not trust the mail carrier. I have never trusted the mail carrier. Every single day, this individual walks directly up to the house, deposits Mystery Items, and leaves — and every single day, I am the only one who seems concerned about this. My human calls it "barking too much." I call it "vigilance." We simply disagree on terminology.
Napping: an advanced skill
People think napping is easy. It is not. There is real technique involved. You must select the optimal patch of sunlight — it moves throughout the day, so this requires constant reassessment. You must choose a position that looks comfortable but is actually strategically positioned near wherever the humans are congregating, in case something interesting happens, like a snack.
| Nap type | Ideal conditions | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| The sunbeam special | Direct sunlight, preferably on the rug | Until the sun moves |
| The supervisory nap | Somewhere central, one eye technically open | Indefinite, subject to snack-related interruption |
| The full commitment | Under a blanket, human's lap preferred | Do not disturb |
On being a lap dog specifically
This is the actual job. Everything else is a hobby. The lap is a place of comfort, warmth, and strategic proximity to whatever snack situation might develop. My professional advice: commit fully. Half-measures are for amateurs. If you are going to be in a lap, be entirely in the lap.
A word on health stuff, since I know that's why this site exists
Look, I don't love the vet. Nobody loves the vet. But my human keeps everything organized — my shots, my checkups, all of it — in one place, so at least the actual vet part goes fast, and I get back to my regularly scheduled napping sooner. If your pet is anything like me (skeptical of new places, deeply committed to routine), having everything ready in advance means less time being poked and more time doing the important stuff. Like napping. Or supervising the mail situation.
Keep your own professional lap dog's records organized
PetFolio Health keeps vet visits, vaccines, and everything else in one place in your browser — so vet trips are faster and napping resumes sooner. No app to download.
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